Tuesday, October 20, 2009

99

That's how many posts I've written. What do you do about post#100? Any ideas?

I have been reading my blog list the last several days. Catching up on some. Reading again some of my favorite posts from others. Blogging, I've decided, is a great avoidance technique. :)

I really don't have much to say. For some reason my thoughts are not translating well into words. I have so many conflicting emotions with all that has gone on the last few weeks. I'm really tired, really sad, really glad Mom's in no more pain, really annoyed with some of the family I had to deal with, really frustrated that people can't play nice when they're hurt.

The other night Doug looked at me and said, "This is permanent."

And I guess that's what's hard. We don't know what life without her looks like. We don't know how it's going to feel. I kind of feel like I'm trying on clothes and nothing fits or looks right. Everything is made of the scratchiest wool imaginable and I just can't wait to get it off.

But grief can't be shed like a sweater. So we wear it. Knowing it's impolite to scratch in public. Knowing we carry this around for however long it takes us to find room for the new life we are beginning to live.

I hear her voice and laughter in my mind everyday. I see her smile.

And I miss her.

A lot.

Thank you to all you who I know and love. Who have come to comfort us. You truly have been the hand and feet of Christ during this time.

Thank you the many of you who I know only through your blog for caring enough to send kind messages and pray for us. Your hilarious words, peeks into real life, and wonderful pictures have been a breath of fresh air.

Many blessings to you all. I know He will return the blessing pressed down, shaken and overflowing.

9 comments:

Crayon Wrangler said...

I have no words only prayers for you.

Marley's Mama said...

A scratchy sweater. That's about right. And you CAN scratch in public, because your itch is just going to be too itchy no to sometimes. I pray that the Lord will cover you and Doug and the kids with the soothing lotion that is His peace and grace and love as you figure out how to adjust to this new life you have. I love you.

Amanda said...

You are such a gifted writer Bethany... and such a faithful servant to the King.
I am praying for you... just about always!

Blessings-
Amanda

He & Me + 3 said...

I cannot relate, but I can pray. Praying for you today, it is only permanent here on earth. You are precious.
Hugs,
Mimi

Laura said...

I wish I could take away your pain or at least give you a big hug! I am still praying for you and your family!
Hugs,
Laura

JanMary said...

Hugs and prayers for your loss.

As for 100 posts - I have gone past 400 now, and still haven't done anything special! Many do a list of 100 facts - but that seems like a lot of hard work!

Crayon Wrangler said...

you have an award on my blog

Brandi said...

Oh, Bethany... I am so sorry for your loss. I guess I missed that post. I had no idea you guys were going through this. You and your family are in my prayers.

I think your writing is incredible and very inspirational. I'm sure your 100th will be great. :)

In Light of the Truth... said...

You have such a beautiful family! And I'm sorry for the heartache you're going through right now. Sending big HUGS your way!! As for post 100, you could do a list of 100 random things about you. I love reading those! Praying you have a good day today!